You asked your mother about her funeral wishes, and she said she has no plans to die anytime soon. Or your parents have promised to write their wills for years, and the subject closes every time you raise it. A first conversation about death goes easier when it starts with memories and values. Wills, forms, and funeral plans can come in a second talk.
This guide is for adult children who want to open that first talk. It gives five steps, ten questions, and three words to start from. You can use the Thesis deck, the free online table, or one word written on a piece of paper.
Why the first try stalls
In the US, survey numbers show how often this talk gets put off. In a January 2018 survey of 1,004 US adults aged 18 and over, 32% had talked with loved ones about their wishes for end-of-life care, and 68% had not. A primary reason given was that it felt “too soon.” In the same survey, 53% said they would feel relieved if a loved one started the conversation (The Conversation Project 2018).
So a parent who changes the subject may still be glad someone asked. A question about a will asks them to picture the end. A question about their own grandmother’s kitchen asks them to remember. The second one is easier to answer, and it can lead to the first.
Five steps for a first conversation
The steps below are in the order you’d do them. Each one keeps the talk small enough to finish.
- Pick an ordinary day. An ordinary day keeps the stakes low, because nobody is ill and nothing is urgent. A walk, a long drive, or a weekly video call works. Avoid the day after a funeral or a hospital visit.
- Agree on passing first. The Thesis rules open with “Before you start, agree together how passing works.” Say it out loud: anyone can pass on any question, no reason needed. That way, starting doesn’t commit anyone to finishing.
- Start with a word. Name one word, such as Death, Family, or Nostalgia, and ask what it brings to mind. Let your parent choose where to take it. A story about a grandfather’s last years is part of this conversation.
- Ask a follow-up, then wait. Keep your questions short and open. Leave silence after an answer. A parent who pauses may be deciding whether to say more.
- Stop before it gets long. Twenty minutes is a full first talk. End by naming one thing you learned about them today. That keeps the door open for next time.
Questions to start with
The questions below move from memory to values. None of them asks about medicine, money, or documents. Pick two or three, not all ten.
- What’s the first funeral or goodbye you remember?
- Who in our family talked about death openly, and who didn’t?
- What did your parents do when someone they loved died?
- Which of your things would you like someone in the family to keep?
- What does a good day look like for you now?
- Where do you feel most at home?
- What do you hope people will remember about you?
- Who would you want close by if things got hard?
- What family habit do you hope we keep going?
- Is there something you’ve wanted to tell us and haven’t?
After any answer, the Thesis rule card offers three follow-ups:
What did that feel like? Who else was there? Has it always meant that to you?
The third works well with parents. Their idea of death at 30 may differ from their idea at 70, and hearing how it changed tells you more than any single answer. For more on how follow-up questions work in a conversation for two, see deep date night questions for couples.
Three words to start from
Every Thesis card has two sides: an idea and an everyday thing. With a parent, the thing side is often the easier way in.
Death has Phone on its other side. A phone holds the calls that brought bad news, a saved voicemail from someone who died, and the number you call every Sunday. If your parents live in another country, the phone may be where this whole conversation happens. Choose the idea when your parent is ready to talk about death directly. Choose the phone when a story feels safer.
Nostalgia has Key on its other side. Keys to a childhood home, to a shop that closed, to a car sold long ago. A parent who talks about the things they’ve let go of is already talking about change and loss, in their own words and at their own pace.
Family has Bread on its other side. Who baked, whose recipe is still in use, who sat where at the table. These details hold a family’s history, and a question about bread is an easy one for a parent to answer.
Playing it as a short game
If a question feels too direct, a game puts some distance between you and the topic. Draw a card, choose a side, roll the die, and look at the word from that side. The die’s six faces are MEMORIES · BODY · PEOPLE · VALUES · CHILDHOOD · FUTURE. “Look at the word from that side.” Then take turns, and the next card may be a lighter one.
The online table works on a phone, so you can share the screen on a video call with a parent far away. The rules include a line that suits family talks: “A short answer is a full answer. You can always ask for more.”
When a parent says no
Some parents close the subject with a joke or a flat “not now.” Some get upset. A no on the first try doesn’t end the topic. Accept the pass, say you’ll come back to it another day, and keep that promise without pushing.
Change the angle on the next try. Ask about their own parents instead of themselves. Mention a film or a book where someone left clear wishes. Or bring a word to dinner and play a round with the whole family, so nobody is singled out. If one parent is open and the other isn’t, start with the open one.
After the first talk
Wills, health care proxies, and end-of-life care plans are separate documents, and they’re a topic for a later conversation. The Conversation Project offers a free Conversation Starter Guide for talking about health care wishes, and its 2018 survey release mentions a free guide on choosing a health care proxy. For legal or medical questions, ask a lawyer or doctor where your parents live.
The first talk has done its work if your parent told you one story you hadn’t heard. The next one can build on it.
Before your next call, write one word on a piece of paper: Death, Family, or Nostalgia. Ask your parent what it brings to mind, and listen to the whole answer.
See the rules and the box. The cards above have their own pages: Death, Nostalgia, and Family. The research behind the deck explains where the words came from. If you run a group where loss comes up, see Thesis for therapy groups.