In a UK survey of 2,000 adults, 30% said they hadn’t shared a meal with their best friend in the last six months. For an old friend, the figure was 45%. The same survey found that people who mostly ate their evening meals alone had as few as half as many close friends and family to depend on as the average respondent.
This post covers what that survey and two sets of lab studies found: what shared meals are linked to, what made one dinner feel closer than another, and how to set up a meal with friends around those findings. You need a table, some food, and a word to start with.
What the survey found
The largest study here is a 2016 survey by Robin Dunbar of 2,000 UK adults, balanced for region, age and gender. People rated how often they ate with others, how happy and satisfied with life they were, how much they trusted people, and how engaged they felt with their local community. They also counted the close friends and family they could depend on for support (Dunbar 2017).
People who ate their evening meals with others at least sometimes rated higher on happiness, life satisfaction, trust and community engagement than people who always ate alone. The average respondent had about five people they could depend on. Those who mostly ate alone had as few as half that number.
A survey can’t show on its own which comes first. People with more friends have more people to eat with. Dunbar ran a path analysis to test the direction, and it suggested that social dinners and the number of close friends feed each other, with social dinners also linked to higher life satisfaction. He also wrote that experimental studies are needed to confirm the cause. So eating together and having people to rely on go hand in hand, and the meal may be one of the things that keeps the circle going.
What made one dinner feel closer than another
The survey also asked people about their most recent evening meal with others. How close did they feel to the people they ate with, and what happened at the table? Four things had independent effects on closeness: the number of diners, laughter, reminiscing, and alcohol. Laughter and reminiscing had by far the strongest effects (Dunbar 2017).
Some things a host might plan for showed no significant effect in that data. The frequency of jokes didn’t matter by itself, and neither did singing, dancing or party games. People also felt closer to a fellow diner after an evening meal than after a lunch.
Reminiscing is the one a table of friends can bring on purpose. A friend who tells the story of their first apartment is reminiscing. So are two old friends arguing about which summer that trip was.
How the food is served matters too
Two sets of lab studies by Kaitlin Woolley and Ayelet Fishbach looked at the food itself. In the first, strangers who were assigned to eat similar food trusted each other more in a trust game, and cooperated more and earned more money in a labor negotiation. Observers also judged that pairs eating similar food trusted each other, but not pairs wearing shirts of the same color (Woolley and Fishbach 2017).
In the second set of studies, with 1,476 participants, people who ate from one shared plate cooperated more in social dilemmas and negotiations than people who ate the same food from separate plates. Sharing a plate made diners feel more coordinated with each other, and that feeling explained the extra cooperation. The effect held among strangers too (Woolley and Fishbach 2019).
Both sets of studies were with strangers in a lab, not friends at home. They still give a dinner a practical detail: a big bowl in the middle of the table, with everyone reaching for the same dish.
Why shared meals with friends get skipped
The survey shows the gap. 65% of respondents said there was someone they should make more effort to see. Of those, 75% thought the best way was to share a meal. And still 30% hadn’t eaten with their best friend in six months.
Dinners can slip for ordinary reasons. Hosting can sound like a lot of cooking, and a dinner can feel like it needs a reason, such as a birthday.
The research points to something smaller than a dinner party. The dinners that felt close had laughter and stories in them, and the number of people mattered. None of those depend on the quality of the cooking. A pot of soup and one shared bowl of salad is a full meal for this purpose.
A shared meal with friends, step by step
- Pick an evening. The survey found evening meals left people feeling closer than lunches.
- Cook one shared dish. Put it in the middle and let everyone serve themselves, following the shared-plate studies.
- Put one word on the table. A card, or a word written on a napkin, gives the table its first topic.
- Start with the thing side. An object like a window or a kitchen table can bring up places and people from the past. That’s reminiscing, and it was one of the two strongest effects in the survey.
- Ask one follow-up. The rule card has three: What did that feel like? Who else was there? Has it always meant that to you?
- Set the next date before dessert. A meal that repeats is the part the survey links to having people to depend on.
If the table wants more structure after the plates are cleared, the deck turns into a game. Each card has an idea on one side and an everyday thing on the other. The die has six plain words: MEMORIES · BODY · PEOPLE · VALUES · CHILDHOOD · FUTURE. The die line is “Look at the word from that side.” Without a deck, open the online table on a phone and leave it next to the bread.
The How to Play card opens with “Before you start, agree together how passing works.” At a dinner, one sentence before the first card is enough.
Questions to bring to the table
These questions lean toward reminiscing, since that’s what the survey linked to feeling close. They run from light to deeper:
- What did dinner look like in the first place you lived on your own?
- What’s a meal you still remember from a trip?
- Who in your family cooked, and what did they make best?
- Which kitchen table do you remember from childhood?
- What did we eat the first time we met?
- What’s a dish you only eat with certain people?
- When did a meal with friends last change your plans for the next day?
- Who would you like to have at this table next time?
Two or three of these can fill a meal. Question 5 works best with friends who’ve known each other for a while.
Three cards for a shared meal
Each of these cards has an object that fits a meal and an idea that fits friends who eat together.
Jealousy has Kitchen table on its other side. The kitchen table is a direct way into reminiscing: the table in a parent’s apartment, a shared student kitchen, the one where someone told you big news. The idea side is heavier. Old friends can laugh about who was jealous of whom at 15, and new friends can keep to the table.
Trust has Window on its other side. The idea fits the lab findings on shared food and trust, and it suits friends who’ve been through something together. The window side is lighter: the view from a childhood bedroom, a window seat on a long train ride, the one you watched the rain through.
Belonging has Headphones on its other side. The idea side fits the point of a regular dinner: the people you can depend on. The headphones side starts with music, the album from a certain year, or the commute where everyone keeps to themselves.
End with one thing you noticed
The last round of the game fits the end of a meal: “each player names one thing they discovered about someone at the table today.” It gives the next dinner a place to start.
For your next meal with friends, put one card next to the bread. See the rules and the box, or open the online table. The cards above have their own pages: Jealousy, Trust and Belonging. For playing with a regular group, see Thesis for friends. For the studies behind the deck, see the research. For what to talk about once guests sit down, see dinner party conversation topics. If the dinner turns into a regular evening with cards, see game night ideas for non-gamers.