After ten years, you can predict your partner’s answer to “How was your day?” and to most questions on a list from the internet. Ask a question that has no old answer yet. Questions about the past you each had before you met, the choices you’d make differently, and what “enough” means now tend to get one.
This post gives 10 deep questions for couples who’ve been together for a decade or longer. They’re ordered from light to heavy, with a short guide on how to ask them and three words from the Thesis deck that hold them. You can use the deck, the free online table, or a word written on a napkin.
Why long-term couples skip the deep questions
One reason to hold back a deep question is the expectation that the other person won’t care. In a series of experiments, Kardas, Kumar, and Epley found that strangers expected deep conversations to feel more awkward than they did. The conversations also left people happier and more connected than they predicted. With close friends, family, or partners, people predicted the outcome more accurately, because they already knew the other person cared (Kardas et al. 2021).
After ten years together, care is rarely the open question. Habit is. You’ve heard the story about the summer job and the first apartment, so you stop asking. The questions below go around those stories. They ask about the parts that changed since the last time you heard them.
Order them from light to heavy
Start with a memory, end with the present. In a 1997 study, pairs who spent 45 minutes on self-disclosure tasks that grew more personal step by step felt closer afterward than pairs who did small-talk tasks (Aron et al. 1997). The pairs in that study were strangers in a lab. The idea still fits a kitchen table: a light first question makes the heavier ones easier to answer.
The list below follows that order. Questions 1–3 are about memories. Questions 4–7 are about choices and change. Questions 8–10 are about now and the years ahead.
10 deep questions for couples after ten years
Each question is short and open, and each one is about the person answering. None of them asks for a verdict on the relationship.
- What’s a place from before we met that you still think about?
- Which ordinary day of ours would you live again, and why that one?
- What did you love at 20 that you’d like to bring back?
- What did you want ten years ago that you don’t want now?
- What’s something you believed about relationships that changed while we’ve been together?
- Which decision in your own life would you make differently, and what would you keep?
- What did you stop doing over the years that you miss?
- When did you last feel you had enough? Where were you?
- What would “enough” look like for us in ten years?
- What’s something about you that I’ve probably had wrong for a long time?
Question 6 asks about your own life on purpose. A regret about the relationship deserves its own evening, picked by both of you, and not a slot in a list. Question 10 is the last one because it asks the listener to be corrected. It works best after nine answers that went well.
How to ask them
Agree on passing before the first question. The Thesis rules open with “Before you start, agree together how passing works.” For two people who know each other well, a pass with no reason and no return to it later keeps the heavy questions safe to ask.
Ask one question, then listen to the whole answer. A partner of ten years may give a short version first, because they assume you know the rest. Ask one follow-up and wait. The rule card offers three that work for any answer:
What did that feel like? Who else was there? Has it always meant that to you?
The third one fits long-term couples best. It turns “I already know this story” into “How has this story changed for you?” The rule card also covers the short answers: “A short answer is a full answer. You can always ask for more.”
One or two questions can fill an evening. The list will keep for many weeks. The game’s own line is “Sometimes one word is enough.”
Three words that hold these questions
The questions above grew out of three words in the Thesis deck. Each card has an idea on one side and an everyday thing on the other. When a question feels too direct, the word on its own gives your partner more room to pick where to start.
Nostalgia has Key on its other side. The idea side holds questions 1–3. The thing side is often easier for couples who’ve shared one address for years: the key to a first apartment, a parent’s house, a bike lock from school. Each of you had keys before the shared one. The stories behind them may be ones you haven’t heard.
Regret has Lamp on its other side. The idea side holds question 6, and it’s the heaviest word of the three. The lamp gives a softer way in: a lamp someone read under, a room it lit. If the idea feels too close tonight, turn the card over or pass. Choosing a side is step 2 of the rules, and the pass is agreed before you start.
Enough has Photograph on its other side. The idea side holds questions 8 and 9. Couples who share money, a home, and a calendar can mean different things by “enough.” The photograph side is a good warm-up: one picture each of you would keep, and what’s outside the frame.
With the deck or the online table
In the game, you draw a card, choose the idea or the thing, and roll a die you fold from a card. The die has six words: MEMORIES · BODY · PEOPLE · VALUES · CHILDHOOD · FUTURE. The only instruction is “Look at the word from that side.” Nostalgia from FUTURE and Enough from CHILDHOOD lead to answers the list above doesn’t cover. The game is made for 2–6 players, so two of you is a full game.
If you don’t have the deck, open the online table on one phone between you. It draws, flips and rolls.
Tonight
Pick question 1 or the word Nostalgia. Write it on whatever is on the table. Ask it after dinner, listen to the full answer, and ask one follow-up. Then switch.
When you stop, end the way every game of Thesis ends: “each player names one thing they discovered about someone at the table today.” After ten years, one new thing is a good evening.
The three words have their own pages: Nostalgia, Regret and Enough. See the rules and the box and Thesis for couples. The research behind the deck explains where the words came from. If most evenings end in quiet after the errands, see nothing to talk about with your partner. For why a deep question feels riskier than it is, see why deep conversations feel awkward.