Asking sensitive questions costs less than you think

The short answer

The cost of asking a sensitive question is smaller than the asker expects. Einav Hart, Eric VanEpps and Maurice Schweitzer ran five experiments with 1,427 participants. Askers expected their partner to feel uncomfortable and to form a worse impression of them. Partners formed similarly favorable impressions of people who asked sensitive questions, such as about salary, and people who asked mundane ones (Hart et al. 2021). The pattern held between friends and between strangers, face to face and in text chat.

So the question “is it rude to ask personal questions?” has a narrower answer than the worry suggests. In these studies, the question itself didn’t hurt the asker’s image. What it does to the conversation depends on how it’s asked and on what the other person chooses to say.

What the researchers did

The setup was a conversation between two people. One was the asker and got a list of questions to choose from. Some were neutral. Others were sensitive: What is your salary? Have you ever had financial problems? Have you ever gone to therapy? (Knowledge at Wharton 2021).

Before the talk, askers predicted how uncomfortable their partner would feel and what impression they’d make. After the talk, partners rated the asker. Most pairs were strangers. In one study, people came to the lab with a friend and talked either with that friend or with a stranger. Some conversations ran in text chat, others in person.

One study added a cash bonus for making a good impression. With money on the line, askers picked even fewer sensitive questions. The wish to look good pushed them toward the safe list, and the safe list didn’t make them look better.

Why the worry is so strong

The researchers link the worry to impression management. People want to come across as kind and interesting, so they lean toward politeness. VanEpps describes this as people erring too far on the side of politeness (Knowledge at Wharton 2021). Friends overestimated the harm too. Knowing someone well didn’t remove the fear.

The fear can also feed itself. If you never ask, you never see the answer come back calm, and the forecast stays where it was. A related gap shows up after first conversations, covered in the post on the liking gap.

Where the finding stops

The study answers one question: does asking hurt the asker’s image? It doesn’t say every question is welcome. The authors name several limits.

• Setting. The experiments ran in a lab, with pairs of mostly relative strangers.
• Group size. Every conversation had two people. Groups weren’t tested.
• Boundaries. Schweitzer asks where the line is, and how edgy questions could get among friends in different contexts. That’s still unknown.
• Context. Hart notes that salary talk may be sensitive in the U.S. and less so in Israel.

A calm reaction is also different from a full answer. A George Mason University summary of the work adds that people can hold back or make up an answer, and that not being put off by a question doesn’t guarantee a truthful reply (George Mason University 2023). That’s a reason to leave room for a short answer, and to take it as an answer.

How to ask without pushing

The study tells you the question costs less than expected. It doesn’t tell you how to ask. Three habits keep a sensitive question light on the other person.

Agree on passing first. A friend who knows they can skip a question may hear it as an offer. The Thesis rules start with this step: “Before you start, agree together how passing works.”

Ask short and open. A leading question pushes toward one answer. The GMU summary notes that leading questions can be too suggestive for complete honesty. “How much do you make?” can land as a test. “What did money mean in your house growing up?” leaves the door at the other person’s width.

Take the first answer as enough. The rule card puts it this way: “A short answer is a full answer. You can always ask for more.” If the answer opens up, a follow-up question carries it further. If it stays closed, move on.

Ten sensitive questions to start with

These questions touch money, death and privacy. They ask for a story more than a number, which makes them easier to answer and easier to pass.

1. What did your family say about money when you were a kid?
2. What’s the most you’ve spent on something you don’t regret?
3. When did money last cause a fight you remember?
4. Is there a number that would feel like enough?
5. Who was the first person you knew who died?
6. What do you want people to do when you’re gone?
7. Is there someone you’d want to talk to about death before it’s urgent?
8. What’s something you keep private that others share freely?
9. Who knows you best, and what do they know that others don’t?
10. Which question do you hate being asked?

The last one is a good opener on its own. It tells you where the other person’s boundary is before you reach it.

The heavy cards in Thesis

Thesis puts a few of these topics on single words. A word on the table does part of the asking.

Money has a Backpack on its other side. Choose the idea for earnings, debt and what money meant at home. Choose the Backpack when the money topic feels too direct: a school bag, a trip with everything you owned, what you carry every day. The object can lead back to money anyway, at the pace the player picks.

Death has a Phone on its other side. The idea side opens talk about loss and wishes for the end of life, the question a parent can wave off when it comes from a child. The Phone side holds calls that brought news, numbers still saved, a voice message kept. If the word lands too close, the second side is there, or the pass.

Privacy has a Diary on its other side. This card names the boundary itself. A turn on Privacy can be about what a player keeps to themselves and why, which shows the table where to stop asking. The Diary side brings up a diary kept as a teenager, or one found and read by someone else.

The die adds an angle. Its six faces are MEMORIES · BODY · PEOPLE · VALUES · CHILDHOOD · FUTURE. The only instruction is “Look at the word from that side.” Money from CHILDHOOD and Money from FUTURE are two different conversations.

If the hesitation starts before you even open your mouth, why deep conversations feel awkward covers that part.

See the rules and the box, or open the free online table. The cards above have their own pages: Money, Death and Privacy. For a few close people at one table, see Thesis for friends. The studies behind the deck are on the research page.