A new member sits down, holds a cup of tea with both hands and says nothing all evening. Next week they come back. For some members of a grief group, listening is the way they take part. The activities below give everyone something to do with their hands, eyes or pen, and leave speaking as one choice among several. Each one works with paper, a pen and a few household objects. Where a card helps, the examples use the Thesis deck.
This guide is for volunteer and peer facilitators of adult bereavement groups. Thesis is a conversation format and makes no clinical claims. You know your group and its limits, and you decide what fits.
Why optional participation works for grief groups
Talking more about a loss isn’t a proven condition for coping with it. In a two-year study of widowed people, Stroebe and colleagues found no evidence that disclosing emotions about the loss helped them adjust. In a second, randomized study of recently bereaved people, an expressive writing task didn’t reduce distress either (Stroebe et al. 2002). For a facilitator, that removes a pressure. A member who stays quiet isn’t falling behind.
Members of bereavement forums say similar things about in-person groups. One wondered beforehand if the group would be too much. Another felt scared at first and couldn’t open up with many others in the room, and found pressure counterproductive. Activities with several ways to take part answer both worries.
1. An object on the table
Objects carry stories without asking for them. Before the session, ask each member to bring one small object linked to the person they lost: a key, a recipe card, a watch. Nobody has to explain it.
- Members place their objects in the middle of the table.
- The group looks at them for a moment in silence.
- Anyone who wants to says one sentence about their object. Others say nothing, and the object speaks for itself.
The objects can stay on the table for the rest of the session. Some members may refer to them later, when they’re ready. A member who forgot to bring something can pick an everyday item from the room, or skip the round.
2. One word, two sides
A single word gives a turn a clear edge. The speaker knows where to start and when they’re done. Write a few words on index cards, or use a deck where each card has an idea on one side and an everyday thing on the other.
The Thesis rule card begins with “Before you start, agree together how passing works.” Then each player draws a card and chooses a side: the idea or the thing. The thing side can help in a grief group. A story about a key is easier to hold than a story about loss, and it can lead to the same person.
Nostalgia sits on the back of Key. One member may talk about the key to a parent’s house that they still carry. Another may describe the key they gave back to a landlord after the funeral. A third may hold the card and pass. All three are complete turns.
The die is optional here. It’s folded from a card and has six plain words: MEMORIES · BODY · PEOPLE · VALUES · CHILDHOOD · FUTURE. The only instruction is “Look at the word from that side.”
3. Write first, then choose
Writing gives a member a private turn before a public one. Hand out paper and give the group a few minutes to write about a prompt. Then each person picks one of three options: read it aloud, summarize it in a sentence, or fold it and keep it. Nobody collects the pages.
These prompts work for the writing round:
- What did they always say when you left the house?
- Which object in your home still feels like theirs?
- What’s a meal that reminds you of them?
- What did they teach you without meaning to?
- Where do you feel the loss most in a normal day?
- What do you still want to tell them?
- What has someone said to you since that helped?
- What does an ordinary evening look like now?
Pick one prompt per session. Read it aloud and leave it on the table.
Enough is on the back of Photograph. A member may write about the one photo they have of a grandparent. Another may write about the shoebox of photos they can’t open yet. The word Enough can read as a question about time, or about how much grief is allowed. Each reading fits the round.
4. Pairs before the circle
A big circle can be the hardest place to speak. Split the group into pairs or small tables for the first activity. Each pair uses the same card or prompt. After a while, bring everyone back and ask if any pair wants to share one thing with the room. The pair decides, and “no” is a full answer.
Pairs also help the member who talks at length. In a pair, a long answer fills one person’s ears instead of the whole session. For more on that situation, see how to handle someone dominating a group discussion.
5. A round about ordinary life
The dual process model of grief describes coping as a movement between facing the loss and attending to the rest of life. It also argues that breaks from grieving are part of coping (Stroebe and Schut 1999). A group can make room for both.
Plan one short round in each session about something ordinary: what someone cooked this week, a walk they took, a thing that made them laugh. Draw a card and use the thing side only. The round gives quiet members an easy turn, and it shows the group that a lighter moment is allowed.
Silence is on the back of Tree. In a grief group, the word can describe the house after the funeral. The tree can be the one in a park where someone walks every morning. A facilitator can offer either side, and the group can also sit with the word for a moment without speaking.
6. A closing round with a small task
The end of a session is where heavy feelings can stay in the room. Close the same way every time so members know what’s coming. The Thesis rule card ends with this: “When the group is ready to stop, finish with one last round: each player names one thing they discovered about someone at the table today.”
In a grief group, this round reaches the quiet members too. A member who said nothing may still hear what others noticed about them. Members can also name a thing they’ll do before the next meeting, such as a phone call or a walk. Passing stays open in this round too.
Running these activities with the deck
The rule cards include two lines that fit grief groups well: “A short answer is a full answer. You can always ask for more.” and “What is said at the table stays at the table.” If a member wants to know more after a turn, the card offers three short follow-ups:
What did that feel like? Who else was there? Has it always meant that to you?
In a grief group, one follow-up can be enough. Watch the speaker, and stop when they look done.
To try a round before your next session, open the free table. It draws, flips and rolls on a phone or a shared screen.
For the agreement that makes all of this work, read the right to pass in groups. The three cards above have their own pages: Nostalgia, Enough and Silence. For more on running it with a therapy group, see Thesis for therapy groups. For the studies behind the deck, see the research page. See the rules and the box. For setting up the group itself, see how to run a grief support group. For why objects help, see objects that remind you of a loved one.
Before the next meeting, pick two activities from this list: one with an object or a card, one for the close. Put the pass agreement first on the plan.