If you volunteer to run a grief group, perhaps after sitting in one yourself, you may already know the fears newcomers bring: that the group will be too much, that they’ll be asked to speak before they’re ready, that a big circle will shut them down. This guide turns those fears into steps. It covers the group’s aim, its size, the pass agreement, the shape of a session, an opening round with one word, and the close.
A note on scope. A peer group offers company, listening and a regular place to talk. It makes no clinical promises, and neither does this guide. Where a member needs more than the group can hold, a bereavement service or a doctor is the next step.
What the evidence says, and what it doesn’t
The research on peer groups is honest about its limits. A review by Pistrang, Barker and Humphreys looked at 12 studies of mutual help groups, including groups for bereavement. It called the evidence “limited but promising.” Seven studies reported positive changes, five found no differences between members and non-members, and none found negative effects (Pistrang et al. 2008). That’s a fair basis for running a group. It’s not a basis for promising anyone an outcome, so describe the group by what happens in it.
Step 1: Decide what the group is for
Write one sentence about who the group is for and what a session looks like. “A monthly evening for adults who’ve lost someone close. We sit in a small circle, talk in turns, and anyone can listen without speaking.” That sentence goes on the flyer, the sign-up page and the first email.
Members of grief forums say groups differ a lot. Some focus on talking about the loss, others on social time. Some members advise asking about a group’s aims before joining. A clear sentence answers that question before anyone walks in. It also lets a person decide if this month is too early for them.
Step 2: Keep the circles small
Group size decides how much each person gets to say. People describe hospice groups that stayed small on purpose so everyone had a chance to talk. Others describe freezing in a large circle where many people were sharing at once.
If more people come than one circle can hold, split into tables and bring everyone back together for the last round. Thesis is made for 2–6 players, which is a workable size for a grief table. Seat a co-facilitator or an experienced member at each table so no table runs without someone who knows the format.
Step 3: Agree on passing before anyone speaks
The pass is the rule that lets a newcomer stay. Members say they valued being able to listen and join in when and if they wanted. That only works if passing is agreed out loud, before the first turn.
The Thesis rule card opens with the same step: “Before you start, agree together how passing works.” The card leaves the details to the group. A grief group might agree that:
- a person can say “pass” with no reason given,
- a person can choose an easier side of the prompt,
- the facilitator comes back once at the end of the round, and only once,
- silence during a turn is allowed, and nobody fills it.
Add confidentiality in the same breath. The rule card puts it plainly: “What is said at the table stays at the table.” For more on making the pass something people use, see the right to pass in groups.
Step 4: Plan the shape of a session
A session that repeats the same shape each time is easier to come back to. It can have four parts: a welcome with the agreements read aloud, an opening round, open time, and a closing round. Keep the order the same from month to month, so a returning member knows where they are.
Leave room in the plan for lighter talk. Stroebe and Schut’s dual process model describes grieving people moving back and forth between facing the loss and turning to the rest of life, and it treats breaks from grief as part of coping (Stroebe and Schut 1999). For a group, that’s a reason to let some turns be about a meal, a walk or a song. Those turns belong in a grief group too.
Step 5: Open with one word
An opening round gives everyone one turn before open time. A single word works as the prompt because it asks for nothing specific. Each person picks the angle they can carry that evening. You can write words on index cards, or use the Thesis deck: 50 double-sided cards with an idea on one side and an everyday thing on the other.
The 16+ rules are short. Draw a card, choose a side, roll the die, then “Look at the word from that side. Say as much or as little as feels right.” The die has six plain faces: MEMORIES · BODY · PEOPLE · VALUES · CHILDHOOD · FUTURE. Before the session, take out any card you don’t want in the room. The deck is yours to edit.
Nostalgia sits on the back of Key. In a grief group, the idea side may go straight to the person who died. The thing side gives a way in that’s one step removed: the key to a parent’s house, a key ring someone still carries. Both are complete answers.
Home has Spoon on its other side. Home can mean the house that’s quieter now, or the people who made a place feel like home. Spoon can bring out small, ordinary scenes, like who cooked or who stirred the tea. Small scenes can be easier to say aloud than a feeling.
If the group has no deck, the free online table draws, flips and rolls on a phone or a shared screen.
Step 6: Hold the room during open time
After a person speaks, the others can ask one short, open question. The rule card gives three examples: What did that feel like? Who else was there? Has it always meant that to you? One question can be enough in a grief circle. Watch the speaker and stop early.
Members describe two situations that make open time harder. A newly bereaved member may talk for a long time, and the others get less space. Members describe this from the other side of the circle. Thank the speaker, name what you heard, and offer the next turn. Handling someone who dominates a group discussion has more on how to do this kindly.
The second situation is a mix of early and later grief. Newcomers sometimes find it hard to share when others are further along. The table card helps here: “A short answer is a full answer. You can always ask for more.” Read it aloud so a newcomer hears that a sentence counts.
Rest has Clock on its other side. It suits a lighter month. Rest can be about sleep, about a day off from grief, or about who gets to rest in a family after a death. Clock can lead to an anniversary date or to the hours that feel longest.
Step 7: Close the same way every time
Stop before the energy drops. The Thesis rule card ends every game with one last round: “each player names one thing they discovered about someone at the table today.” In a grief group, this turns attention from the loss to the people in the room. It also gives the evening a clear end, so members don’t leave in the middle of a heavy story.
After the close, stay a few minutes for anyone who wants a word in private. Keep a short list of local bereavement services to hand, for the moments when a member needs more than the group can offer.
Before your next session
Write the one-sentence description of your group. Then write the pass agreement in the words you’ll say on the night, and pick three words for the opening round. Nostalgia, Home and Rest each have a page with their objects and ways in. For more on running sessions with the deck, see Thesis for therapy groups and the research behind the deck. The rules and the box are on one page. For session ideas that leave room to listen, see grief group activities for adults. For questions to bring, see grief support group discussion questions.