Grief support group discussion questions, with room to pass

Why each question has two ways in and one way out

Newcomers to a grief group may worry the session will be too much. A question with an easier side lowers the step. A story about a mug or a coat still carries the person, but it asks for less at once. The pass covers the rest: a member can say “pass” and stay in the circle.

Members of bereavement forums describe a second worry. After a while, some don’t want every meeting to be about grief, and they value groups where ordinary life has a place too. The dual process model of coping with bereavement makes room for both. Stroebe and Schut describe grieving people moving between confronting and avoiding two kinds of stressors, loss-oriented and restoration-oriented, and they count taking respite from both as part of adaptive coping (Stroebe and Schut 1999). Some of the questions below face the loss. Others face the week ahead. Both kinds belong on the list.

Before the first question

Agree on passing before anyone answers. The Thesis rule card starts the same way: “Before you start, agree together how passing works.” The card leaves the details to the group. In a grief group, the agreement could say that a member can pass with no reason, take the easier side instead, or come back to the question at the end of the round.

Add confidentiality in the same breath: “What is said at the table stays at the table.” Then set the length. One question can fill an opening round. Two is plenty for a session.

10 grief support group discussion questions

Each question below is followed by its easier side. The easier side is a prompt about a thing, so it works for a member who wants to talk about the person without naming the feeling.

1. What’s one thing about them you’d like this group to know? Easier side: name one object you kept that belonged to them.
2. Where in your week do you notice their absence most? Easier side: describe a chair, a coat or a cup that’s still where they left it.
3. What did an ordinary day with them look like? Easier side: describe a meal you used to eat together.
4. Who has been there for you since the loss, even in a small way? Easier side: describe a card, a message or a call you remember.
5. What has surprised you about grief so far? Easier side: name a place you avoid now, or one you go to more often.
6. When does it feel lonely, and when does it feel less so? Easier side: describe a smell or a sound that brings them back.
7. What tradition have you kept, changed or dropped? Easier side: describe something in your kitchen they used.
8. What do people say to you that helps, and what doesn’t? Easier side: describe something someone gave you after the loss.
9. What’s one ordinary thing that went well this week? Easier side: name a song, a walk or a meal from the last few days.
10. What would you like to carry forward from them? Easier side: describe the one object you’d keep if you could keep only one.

Questions 1, 3 and 4 are about people and their stories. Those topics come up on their own in conversation games about death. In a content analysis of 17 recorded games of an end-of-life conversation card game, adults played in groups of 2–6 without a facilitator. Their talk centered on relationships and the roles people play, values and preferences, preparing for the aftermath, and using other people’s stories to think about their own (Van Scoy et al. 2016). That game was about planning for one’s own death, not about bereavement. Still, its players reached for each other’s stories, and a grief group can lean on the same habit.

Question 9 is the respite question. Put it at the end of a heavy session, or open with it in a month when the group seems tired. A member who talks about a walk isn’t avoiding the work of the group. The walk is part of the week they’re living.

Follow-ups that keep the turn safe

The answer is the member’s. The follow-up is the group’s. Thesis prints three examples on its rule card:

What did that feel like? Who else was there? Has it always meant that to you?

In a grief group, one follow-up can be enough, and none is fine. “Who else was there?” is the gentlest of the three. It widens the story to other people without asking for the feeling. The rule card also says: “A short answer is a full answer. You can always ask for more.” Say it out loud once per session, so a two-sentence answer never looks like a failure.

Using one word in place of a question

Some groups find a question too pointed on a given evening. A single word on a card gives each member the angle. Thesis is a deck of 50 double-sided cards: an idea on one side, an everyday thing on the other. The thing side does the same job as the easier side above. Its rules are short. Draw a card, choose a side, roll the die, then “Say as much or as little as feels right.”

The die is a card you fold into a six-sided prism and roll like a pencil. Its faces are MEMORIES · BODY · PEOPLE · VALUES · CHILDHOOD · FUTURE. The only instruction is “Look at the word from that side.” Thesis is made for 2–6 players, so a larger group splits into small tables. Without the box, the online table draws, flips and rolls on a phone or a shared screen.

Three cards fit the questions on this list.

Loneliness sits on the back of Perfume. It pairs with question 6. A member can talk about the evenings that feel empty, or about a bottle on a shelf that still smells like someone. Both answers say something true about the loss, and the second one asks less of the speaker.

Home is on the front of Spoon. For a group that has lost partners or parents, home can mean the house, the routine or the person. Spoon brings it down to the kitchen, which is where question 7 lands too. A member might describe who cooked, or the drawer nobody has sorted yet.

Hope backs onto Teddy bear. It fits a later session, when question 10 feels within reach. Some members will talk about the next year. Others will describe a toy from childhood that someone kept for them. If a member says “pass,” the turn moves to the left and the word stays on the table for later.

Closing the session

End with a round that turns attention back to the room. The Thesis rule card closes every game the same way: “each player names one thing they discovered about someone at the table today.” In a grief group, the answers can be small: someone else also keeps a coat, someone else also hates the same phrase. Those small overlaps can tell a member they aren’t the only one. Keep the closing round the same each month, so people know how the evening ends before they arrive.

For your next session, choose one question from the list and one card, write the pass agreement on a sheet, and read it aloud before the first turn. For the full session plan, see how to run a grief support group. For formats beyond questions, see grief group activities for adults, and for the pass itself, see the right to pass in groups. The three cards have their own pages: Loneliness, Home and Hope. Facilitators can read more on Thesis for therapy groups, and there’s more in the research behind the deck. See the rules and the box.