The Death Cafe model has no set questions. Its official guide still lets a facilitator bring in a couple of open questions, with a limit: “Please don’t ask more than 3.” That leaves a host with a small, specific allowance and one question to answer on the night: has the talk stopped, or is it resting? This post covers what the guide says, the steps to try before a prompt, and ten open questions to keep in your pocket in case the table asks for one.
What the guide allows
The official guide describes “agenda free discussion, with the topics determined by attendees.” It says the model doesn’t include specific topics, set questions or guest speakers. Setting too much of an agenda, in the guide’s words, “risks being presumptuous, restrictive and/or disempowering.”
The exception sits in the section on running the session. “If, after trying the group-directed approach, you think your attendees would prefer a more structured session then it is ok to introduce a couple of specific questions.” The guide asks that these stay open, and caps them at three.
The founder of Death Cafe gave the same answer on the official forum. A host had asked where to find sample questions in case the talk started to lag. His reply, in short: conversation starters aren’t part of the model, and prompted discussion belongs only after open discussion has run out (Death Cafe forum). He also asked that events built around prompts not be called Death Cafes.
Why hosts want a list anyway
The fear is a quiet table and a host with nothing to say. First-time hosts come prepared for it. One team in Ontario wrote that they arrived with plenty of questions in case no one wanted to talk. They opened by sharing euphemisms for death, the 12 attendees were forthcoming, and the two hours went quickly (write-up).
A list in your bag is fine. The guide is about what reaches the table. Questions kept in reserve can steady the host without shaping the evening.
Hold back first: four steps before a prompt
Before a prepared question, try the moves that use the group’s own material, in this order.
- Run the full introductions round. The guide asks each person to say who they are and why they came. Those reasons are the agenda. Note two or three of them as people speak.
- Let the silence sit. A pause after a heavy answer can be people thinking. In the first forum thread, another host wrote that a facilitator should be comfortable with pauses and take part in the talk as a participant.
- Hand back what came up. The same host suggested asking which topics have come up so far and whether anyone wants to go further with one. The question points at the group’s own words.
- Invite a quiet person in. The guide lists “bringing people into the discussion if you think they want to say something” among the facilitator’s tasks. A name and a pause can start a new thread.
A host who runs groups of 4–8, answering a newer host, described using themes from the introductions as prompts when they emerge. She also wrote that an open question or two is okay if the talk stalls. Both moves fit the guide, because the topic still comes from the room.
When to use a starter
Reach for a prepared question when the steps above have been tried and the room seems to want structure. Signs that point that way: people look at the facilitator after each answer, the same two voices carry the talk, or the evaluation forms from a past session asked for more structure.
Tables differ on the same night. A first Death Cafe in Michigan drew 27 attendees, who split into 4 groups. Questions on slips of paper sat in bowls on the tables. In the write-up’s words, “Some groups used them; one didn’t need them” (write-up). Leaving a question available, instead of announcing it, lets each table decide.
How to pick an open, value-neutral question
A reply in the first forum thread named the goal: questions that are value-neutral and still compelling. The host principles add a firmer line. A Death Cafe has no intention of leading participants to any conclusion, product or course of action. A good starter passes three checks:
- It assumes no belief. It works for someone religious and someone who isn’t.
- It asks for a story or a view. It invites “here’s what happened” and avoids “do you agree”.
- It has no right answer. A short reply and a long one both fit.
One study shows where prompts about death can lead. In a content analysis of 17 recorded games of a conversation card game about death, played by groups of 2–6 without a facilitator, talk centered on people and relationships, values and preferences, preparing for the aftermath, and personal stories (Van Scoy et al. 2016). Questions that invite a person or a story give a table room to go where it wants.
Ten backup questions for a Death Cafe
These are open, and none assumes a belief. Pick up to three for the evening, and offer one at a time.
- When did you first understand that people die?
- Who taught you how to talk about death, or how not to?
- What does your family do in the days after someone dies?
- What word or phrase for death did you grow up with?
- Is there an object you keep because of someone who died?
- How has the way you think about death changed over the years?
- What would you want the people close to you to know about your wishes?
- What surprised you at the last funeral or memorial you went to?
- What would a good last day include for you?
- Is there something you’d like to have said to someone in time?
After an answer, keep follow-ups short. The Thesis rule card gives three examples: What did that feel like? Who else was there? Has it always meant that to you? Anyone can pass. The guide says everyone takes a turn in the introductions “apart from people who don’t want to speak,” and the same goes for any prompt. For how to set that up, see the right to pass in groups.
Where Thesis fits
The guide discourages information materials at a Death Cafe, so a deck of cards stays off the table. Thesis fits before the evening. Two co-hosts can practice the kind of talk they’ll host, and a host can test whether a prompt feels open by saying it out loud first. If you’d like a whole evening with cards, give it its own name, so guests know what they’re coming to. The setup steps are in how to host a Death Cafe.
Regret is card 09, and its other side is Lamp. At a practice session, Regret tests how a host reacts to a heavy answer: the urge to comfort, fix or move on. Lamp gives a lighter road to the same place, a reading lamp by a parent’s chair or a light left on for someone.
Nostalgia is on the back of Key. For hosts it shows how a story opens up the past without a question about death. A key to a house that’s been sold often brings up the people who lived there.
Home is card 49, paired with Spoon. Many Death Cafe stories are about where someone died, or where they’d like to. Spoon is the everyday way in: a family spoon, a meal cooked for a funeral.
Before you start, the rule card asks you to “agree together how passing works.” Its last line on answers fits a Death Cafe too: “A short answer is a full answer.” If you don’t have the box, the free online table draws a card for you.
Before your next Death Cafe
Write your three questions on one card and put it in your pocket. Then reread the introductions section of the guide, and plan to note the reasons people give for coming. If the table goes quiet, those reasons are your first prompt.
For a practice evening, see the rules and the box or play online. The words above have their own pages: Regret, Nostalgia and Home. If you also run support groups, see Thesis for therapy groups. The studies behind the deck are on the research page. When one voice fills the room, see how to handle someone dominating a group discussion. For hosting on video, see how to run an online Death Cafe.